It’s a…. Gir-GOSHOMIGHTY!!

What’s Hannen! I’m back again! If you’ve seen my social media the last few days you seen on March 30th I had a baby girl. She’s beautiful, Mom is good, we’re at home loving on her with her big brothers. Life is great. When I posted her picture I told ya’ll I had a story to tell. And it’s a crazy one so ya’ll gonna enjoy this.

Around 4:30am on 3/30 Shay started feeling contractions but they still had some time in between em. I’m tryna be a good Baby Daddy so I cleaned the tub out and ran her a bubble bath to chill in for a lil bit. She gave me permission to take a lil cat nap cause she was good. I woke up and them contractions was starting to get real.

So she’s in the bed laying down but now she’s throwing up with her contractions. I’m feeling bad, tryna help her out but idk what I’m doing i’m being more annoying than anything. Her initial plan was to have a natural birth, so when she called the Dr’s saying she wanted an epidural I said “You sure you want one?” She said yea. I called the doula, the doula said she already talked to the Dr and she was gonna come to the house and help her labor some more before coming in.

Fast Forward, the Doula comes through and gives her this ancient chinese back massage I ain’t ever seen before but Shay loved it. But Shay’s still screaming she wants an epidural. Doula said “If she still asking for an epidural it’s time to go!” So I get her dressed and get ready to go to the hospital. We get out the front door, and right in front of the driveway she squats down in pain. Now i’m getting a lil shook. The Doula said “Teddy, as soon as she gets in the car, GO!” So I took off…… That’s when the show started!

So I’m tryna to respect my new neighbors and not drive crazy but soon as I slowed down for 1 sec at the stop sign I took that right down the skreet and hit 60 down that MF. Then there was a flag crew….. And of course they had the stop sign up on our side. The doula was in front of us so she pleaded her case to the flagger and they got on the walkie talkie and let us through. Shay still laboring in the passenger seat, I just give her my hand to squeeze through he contractions, she tow that MF up too.

So we get on 95 North and I’m following the Doula. She doing 95 i’m doing 90 cause I got my phone in my hand and I DON’T know how to get to the hospital. I could follow the Doula but she weaving through muhfuckin 16 wheelers on the highway like Doulanic Toretto.

So the plot finna get thicker than racial tension right now I just wanna paint a picture for ya’ll.

Do me a favor and occupy your right hand with the closest thing next to you. Then with your left hand imagine you’re holding a steering wheel with the gap in between your pinky and ring finger. And hold your phone with the remaining fingers on your left hand. This was the situation I was in while doing 90 up the highway. There was a point I tried to BRIEFLY let her hand go to call the doula but she quickly grabbed that MF back like I had lost my damn mind.

Shay says “OH I NEED TO PUSH SHE COMIN!”

I thought it was just an urge so I just kept letting her squeeze my hand. The Doula called:

Doula: Ya’ll still ok? You got your hazards on.

Me: Yea, Shay think she need to push.

Doula: Ok, keep breathing with her…..

bruh…

Bruh…

BRUH!!!

Shay leggings started crying.

Shayana’s Maternity Leggings were CRYING!

Doula: How is she?

Me: O_O SHE JUST HAD THE BABY!

Doula: WHAT?!?!?!

Shay: PULL OVER!!!

I’m in the right MFn lane… I gotta get to the left lane of the highway and pull over because my daughter was born on 95N.

I’M FUCKIN SHOOK!!!

I get over to the side of the highway and get out the car, hands shaking like a MF. I open the passenger door and there’s a baby shaped print in Shay’s leggings. I pull her pants down, and there’s my daughter. Chillin bruh. Just wigglin n shit. Won’t even crying.

My hands still shaking so I’m tryna pick her up in all her slimy glory. I ain’t know how to pick her. My boo Shay tho… Just snatched her up and held her like she ain’t just give birth in a Nissan Rogue.

The Doula called 911 and they called me and told me what to do until the EMT’s came. I was in shock tho bruh. I still can’t believe it. The Doula and me was shaking on beat we was bofe shook!

EMT’s came and cut baby’s umbilical cord(I’m still salty about that shit) and took her and Shay to the closest hospital while I followed.

We got there and baby was a little cold but otherwise still healthy. We had to stay at the hospital for 2 days but it was worth it. All the nurses and Techs that came in the room said some shit along the lines of “I heard you had a baby in the car?!” She was poppin in Chippenham Hospital.

My heart grew bigger.

JoJo is a big brother and loves it.

Shay is officially the Baddest Muthafucka alive and if you have a rebuttal me and my kids will beatcho ass about it.

Alora Divine Adams

3/30/22

Time of Birth: 8:59 am

Place of Birth: Somewhere on 95N but I got her out them leggings right in front of exit 62

I just submitted my 2nd book to the publishers so hopefully the love it and I can put it out.

Audio book for the first one is on the way.

I’m now about to write a book about me and Shay’s Shenanigans so that’s book number 3.

I love ya’ll

Until next time…

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Teddy Belafonte & The Failed Ho Phase

PHEW! It’s been a minute since I’ve written a blog. Fret not, ya boy is still writing. I’ve just been working on book number 2 and some other scripts tryna make that jump into a full time writing career. If you’ve been following me on social media then you’ve seen my recent events, I got my own place, still molding young minds in school, and I got engaged. I’m currently quarantining by myself on Christmas, it sucks like a muthafucka but I’m tryna keep busy. So here goes nothing.

Almost a year ago I got out of a situationship, hurt, and decided it was time to initiate another ho phase to make me feel better. It worked in the past so…. It should make me feel better now right?

So I’m outchea on all the dating apps, Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, Facebook dating. Throwing up bricks like I can’t get the release right on 2k. I mean I was in them Muthafuckin trenches. I even had a little rendezvous with a wiccan. Once I found out she was one, I prayed for forgiveness but that let’s you know how outchea I was. The dating pool ain’t been cleaned in some shit.

So I’m still on this hoe phase mission, talking to women I ain’t even interested in just wylin. One day I’m shooting free throws on facebook dating cause that MF was misleading as a MF. I would think Zuckerburg would have me a nice lil lineup but It was struggle city tryna find something worthwhile.  

I was still living with moms, so this one night I was outside in the driveway drinking, smoking, and swiping. The other apps was full of egg shell colored women I wasn’t interested in. Quick shout out to Hinge cause they do let you pick your preferences. But anyways, I decided to see what Facebook dating was talking bout this night. So I’m swiping and I come  across this one lady who just caught my eye. I couldn’t even pinpoint why I was so infatuated with her look I had to swipe right and pray that she did the same. I even hit my homegirl up like “sis I just swiped right on somebody so fine If we match I’m bringing out all artillery”.

A couple days later, to my got damn surprise, shorty matched with me! I’m thinking to myself “Ight Teddy, you can’t copy and paste no shit from the past you gotta come with some heat to bag this one.”

…….I couldn’t think of nothing.. I had to say something tho. So I just hit her with some corny shit and prayed for the best.

Me: Man you finer than frog hair. I’d love to get to know you some more.

To My MFn surprise.

Her: Lmao I didn’t know frogs had hair. How are you?

Oh yea, this supposed to happen cause my message was weak as my 31 year old knees.

So I talk my talk and slide her my number. If she REALLY digging you, she’ll text first fellas. So I try my best to shoot my shot proper. It was weak at first, I won’t even lie to you. I’m a shy guy at first so I gotta get out my shell to effectively bag. I tried my best tho.

Convo got pretty dry quick. I tried to stay persistent, good morning & how was your day texts. I was failing, so I just got back on them got damn apps and threw up some more shots.

Then one day when I was driving to work, I get a random ass text: “Good morning, I hope you have a great Friday”

I’m all types of confused. Is this a sign to keep shooting at this rim? Cause I been playing Around the world making my own kill list for my hoe phase. But I’ll text her back and see what it do.

So in the midst of my shooting, we got to talking about my writing. I told her about my short film I shot. She asked for the link. I found an opportunity to shoot. “If you laugh at my film you gotta let me take you out on a date.” My shit is hilarious so this was a layup.

Her: That was hilarious, I guess we going on a date then. You got anything else you wrote?

Me: Well I wrote a book too. I can send you a copy

Her: Nah I wanna buy it so I can support you!

God if you outchea playing “GimmeDat” You oughta be ashamed of yourself.

So she bought the book and then we set up a date.

I was nervous cause prior to this moment. Won’t no dates. This was mid Covid when I was still getting invited to cribs off the rip. I gotta actually shine bright on a date.

So I find my freshest black tee and tims and go head on this date. I was nervous cause this was my first actual date in a long time. I scoop her up and we got the small talk going on, I hate small talk but you can tell it’s leading to something.

The spotify shuffle plays Pooh Sheisty and she starts vibing so I knew I had a winner on my hands. We get to the restaurant downtown and I took a shot of tequila so I’m outta my shell now. I crack a couple jokes during our convo and I got her ugly laughing in public… I knew it was in the bag then.

Like I said this was mid Covid so the restaurant and bars closed at 10 so we had to leave while it was good. But then she spoke some music to my ears. “You wanna grab some drinks from WaWa and chill in my driveway?

Why yes, I would love to.

So I knew she too was vibing with the kid.

So we hit WaWa and grab some brews, she grabbed a Yuengling. I knew she was a rider.

We back at her crib dranking in the parking lot and she goes: I kinda wanna take some more shots.

Well there’s only one cat I know that keeps the tequila on deck. My man Timbaglands!

I hit Timbaglands up to see if he got it on him and of course he says Yea. I ask if I can bring something through to drank. (as many janks I let him slide through, he better say yea)

So we pull up in my boy driveway in the whip waiting for him to clean up the bonus room. I play some Starlito while we wait.

Her: Oh you like Starlito too?

Me: Hell yea, bruh nice.

We sitting there vibing off the music then, she reaches over and kisses me.

Oh so you really digging the kid?

We go in my homeboy bonus room, drink, and watch youtube.  She still clearly vibing with ya boy. I understand at this point so I’m rolling with the vibe.

We keep vibing…

…..And vibing

…..And vibing

….and VIBING!

So she asks if I wanna slide through to her crib. I’m with it.

We go back to her crib in the driveway tryna get crazy. But this was before the weightloss so I couldn’t perform like I needed to do. I got a SUV but it ain’t a SUV SUV so there wasn’t a lot of room. I was like, “You sure we can’t go inside? I’ll be quiet.”

So we creep into her crib, I get in her room and prepare to wyle out. In the back I hear:

“YOU GOT A NIGGA IN THIS HOUSE?!”

I’m scared and confused. Her mom barges through the door. Clothes was gone so I’m tryna hide in the closet and put my shit back on.

The problem was…

She had one of them shallow closets, I’m tryna hide but my big ass… Shoulders and head all out in the open while I’m tryna get dressed.

She goes out the room and talks to her loud ass parents that just stormed up to the room tryna beat and drag me out the house.

Eventually, they agree to let me leave freely.

I walk out the house, and when I get to the kitchen, both her parents gritting on me HARD BODY!

Mama raised me right, I wyled out on my own. But I walked out like “I’m sorry we had to meet like this” and slid the fuck to my whip.

I got in the car, and immediately called my homeboy up to give him an update.

I’m backing out the driveway telling him my story then I’m like:

Mannn I can’t lie… She the one bro…

Him: Nah Bro, you getting kicked out her parents crib on the first date. That ain’t a good look.

Me: Bro, I’m telling you I know what I know. She the one bro. This is it my guy.

Him: I don’t think so bro but whatever you say.

The next day she texted me apologizing for the previous night.

I told her…. No lie, this is EXACTLY what I told her.

Her: I’m so sorry for what happened last night. I understand If you don’t wanna talk to me anymore.

Me: Sheeeiiiiittt, I done met ya family, you bae now boo.

The only thing I was mad about was. My hoe phase was finished. That muhfuckin fast. Grand opening, Grand closing. She completely blind sided my ass by being the one. That was some bullshit. But some good bullshit if that makes sense.

So yea… I done proposed to her, she said yes. It’s like I said. She the one. And I mean that.

I mean that so much, I’m putting that shit in writing.

SHE THE MFn ONE!!!

Somebody should read this entry at the wedding. Lemme know If you wanna do it.

I guess it’s a good thing I ain’t get that ho phase going this time around. I’m a funny muhfucka, Ida had bout 6 kids otw by now.

I still Love ya’ll

Until next time folk

The Left Eye Experience

Damn it’s really been over a whole ass year since I wrote a blog. Ya boy been working though. My book been doing well (the link to buy it is on the home page), I shot a short film, I’ve started other projects. That damn Rona threw a monkey wrench in my plans and I’ve been admittedly down about it, but my therapist told me to get back into writing to get my mind off some things. I had every intention on lying to her and telling her I did it but something happened today (4/11/2020) and while it was going on I said to myself, “yea this is my welcome back blog”.

When this Rona is over, I’m definitely getting me a house off the clearance rack.  Until then, I’m living in a bad  90’s UPN sitcom with a house full of relatives.

So I’m upstairs playing 2k, enjoying this Saturday before I go back to being essential this coming Monday. While my myPlayer is in the midst of dropping 30+ on the Blazers, I hear a ruckus coming from downstairs. It’s mainly random voices yelling, and I can’t decipher what they’re saying but then I hear, “Call 911”. Now, the last time I heard “Call 911” in this house, somebody died. So I immediately sprung into action. Ran downstairs expecting something similar but relieved when I ain’t see nobody hurt.

My aunt screams, “There’s a fire!”

“A FIIIIIYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHH?!” I replied.

My mama opens the kitchen door leading to the garage and it’s fulla smoke. My aunt’s car is on fire. My mom opens the garage doors and goes to turn the hose on. I try to unravel the hose as fast as possible and my cousin takes it and runs to the car to try and put the fire out. The flame is coming from the trunk, and melted through the tail light, and is just showing it’s ass off out the backside of the car. My aunt yells, “PUT IT IN NEUTRAL AND PUSH IT OUT THE GARAGE!”

How Velma?

It sounds good straight off the dome, but no. Car full of smoke, fire still burning, backside melting. It’s a horrible idea and you are now BANNED from this situation Velma. Just get out the house safely.

Now, If you’ve been reading my stuff for a while, you know that my mother is SUPER dramatic. Not saying that a fire in the garage doesn’t call for dramatics, but I’m painting the picture for ya’ll. So my cousin got the hose, and she’s like “IT’S NOT ON! CUT IT ON!” My mama yelling back, “I’M TRYING MY DAMNEST TRICE!!” She turning the hose nozzle back and forth, officially freaking tf out. So then She just runs out in the street screaming for help. So now my mama is BANNED.

It’s me and my cousin against this fire. My cousin is shaking the hose on the fire, and there’s barely any water coming out (we later found out the hose was broken). My cousin is starting to freak tf out, understandably so, because the fire is getting close to the gas tank. She still shaking the hose and trying to get the water that IS coming out onto the fire.

So ya boy gotta spring into action. It ain’t an easy job. But this car can’t blow up in this garage, my mama worked hard for this house. So somebody gotta save the damn day. I’m in hero mode. Which is funny cause I’m outside in basketball shorts, a tank top and barefoot, and that would be a hilarious outfit for a super hero. A Country, struggly, Luke Cage.

So anyways, ya boy gotta think fast. The hose not working, how else can I put this fire out? The world is depending on me.

LIGHT BULB!!!

So I go into the fridge in the garage and see a half empty case of bottled water. I grab the bag and open a bottle and put out the flame coming out the tail light. But there’s another, bigger flame in the trunk. So I open the trunk and just start popping these bottle tops off and starting throwing them hoes at the fire like some got damn Grenades. I mean there’s water and bottle caps flying everywhere. Cause now I’m realizing, I’m too damn close to this fire I GOTTA put it out now. So after losing bout seven or eight bottles, the fire is out.

I run outside with the rest of the fam and wait for the fire department, Still barefoot and country, and I have an epiphany. That fire was HELLA close to the gas tank… and I was HELLA close to that fire with some damn bottles of water. Had that MF car decided to blow up that woulda been it for ya boy.

I had to go give my cousin a hug. Then I had to call Jojo to say “I love you” cause that epiphany had me so shook.

God protects babies and fools though… And we was definitely some fools.

I do think they need to have a parade for me though. At least 4 or 5 floats going down the street, nothing too crazy.

Also, remember to stay yo ass in the house if you can. Assuming your garage ain’t on fire.

Rest Eazy Gemmol, Love.

Quincy Jr

My family dynamic is very unusual. I’m the youngest of 4. My dad had my two oldest siblings when he was in college. About 10 years later he had my sister. And then when he turned 40 he decided to have one last rodeo and have ya boy. My oldest brother Quincy Jr was 21 years older than me. Second oldest Ricky 19 years older, sister Ashlee is 9ish years older than me. Outside of the oldest two, we had different moms. Pops got it in, but this ain’t about that. We all loved each other. Personality wise, we kinda paired up but it was still all love. Ricky and Ashlee were close and then even though Quincy Jr was 21 years older than me we were close. Ricky unfortunately passed away in 2012 which put a foot in my ass to keep in touch with my siblings the best I could. Being broke with student loans and eventually a kid, made it difficult to travel to them because I lived I’m VA, Quincy and Ricky lived in Florida, and Ashlee lived in Kentucky.

April 5, 2019 I lost Quincy Jr, as well. My last brother and the one I meshed with. I didn’t realize until later, the void he left in my life.

Shout out to my mother because I was in between jobs at the time but she made it possible for us to drive from VA to Orlando to make his service. The drive down there almost bored me to tears because my mother, God bless her, either listens to Gospel or absolutely nothing, with her tires hitting the road singing background. When I took the wheel I had to beg her to listen to my music with the promise that I would slide Boyz II Men in there cause that’s the only secular music she enjoys. Long story short, 95 South is boring as hell when you can’t listen to trap music and chain smoke.

So we got down there Thursday, checked on my youngest niece and nephew and rested up for the next day.

What came next I was/wasn’t prepared for. Until this point, outside of my maternal Grandmother, every major family member that passed away was cremated. Which made the blow of a death not hit as hard because I didn’t have to look at a body.

When I was given the schedule of how the services were, what stuck out to me was the word,”viewing”. This is my last brother so I can’t not go to every part of his service, but I was worried.

I went to the viewing and as soon as I walked into the church I saw my brother lying there in his casket. I couldn’t see all of him, but I knew what was there, so I tried to keep a low profile and sit in the back of the church as far away from the body as I could. This is the part of the story where I reveal that even though we were 21 years apart. I look JUST. LIKE. MY. BROTHER.

Only thing different is the beard and me being drop dead handsome(he would have laughed at this).

So I’m sitting in this back pew for all of 2.5 seconds and I hear my brother’s sister(who I acknowledge as my sister) Mo’Nique say “That’s Quincy baby brother, don’t he look just like him?”. EVERY BODY TURNED AROUND! So I had to give my love. Mo’Nique hugged me and whispered in my ear “People are gonna get emotional when they see you because you look just like Quincy.” Understatement.

One of my cousins came up to me completely in shock hugging me. My niece who I haven’t seen in years said “You DO look just like my Uncle”.

That’s when it started to hit.

Mo’Nique grabbed my hand and said “Come on let’s look at your brother”. I was initially irritated because I sat in the back to be away from the body. But I realized at 29 years old, it’s time to man up. Death happens and it’s nothing you can run away from.

I went up there with Mo’Nique to look at my brother and at first it messed me up because he looked just like me and my dad. But my brother had been dealing with alot medically and to see him finally at peace and with the Lord was soothing. Not to mention he was CLEEEAAAANNNNN

Shout out to Mo’Nique because she made all of that happen and did it flawlessly.

While I was looking at my brother I had my sister in law Jamia, his wife, and our sister Mo’Nique holding both of my hands. This being new to me, I didn’t know how to react so out of nerves I put a vice grip on both of their hands. Jamia said “Don’t break my hand now, but i got you”. Mo’Nique said “You strong, but I got you”. Seeing them be so strong, kept me intact.

I went to the bathroom to get myself together and when I walked out, these two dudes, who I never met before rolled up on me like:

Them: AYE MAN! Don’t you owe us some money?

Me: Umm… I don’t think so.

Them: Well you look just like the dude that owe us so that’s your debt now. Cool?

I laughed it off and appreciated it cause it lightened the mood. It helped me get through.

Those dudes were my brothers cousins and closest friends. We went outside and shared stories of Quincy Jr. Looked at pictures it was love.

When I came back to the church everyone was sharing stories and memories of my brother.

I’m shy when I first meet people. My brother didn’t know anything about being shy. Everywhere he went he made a friend and let her personality shine. Saying that he was loved is an understatement.

I moved to Orlando for an internship for 6 months and me and brother got REAL close cause I spent alot of my off days together. I remember him driving me around Orlando and so many people knew him. We went to a footlocker so I could blow my check and while I was shopping I heard him talking to the fine ass cashier like “That’s my baby brother over there. He handsome right? Of course he is, he look like me! Go head and give him,your number” Why did that work? Big ups to him, the GOAT.

That’s what he did everywhere around him. If he ain’t know you, he got to know you.

The stories people shared weren’t any different.

The next day was the funeral. I went to his house. When I was walking to this house, people were calling me to their cars like “That’s his baby brother? I wanna meet him”. My oldest niece’s mother saw me walking to the house and her jaw dropped. She said “Oh my God, he even walks like Quincy.”

Now was time to get in the limo and ride to the church. I was in the car with my nieces and nephews. When we walked into the church for the funeral and saw the body one last time it all hit me.

The 21 year difference between Quincy Jr and I was all a blessing. When I was growing up I used to hear my dad say “Well your brother is cutting up in school.” Or any other way I was Wylin. Quincy Jr checked me. When I was over 18 my brother put me on game. He shared his pickup lines with me, that’s why I’m so nice with it now. And when I had a child, he showed me how to be a father. He gave me great advice. I lost a second father, a friend and a brother.

The service was beautiful. Again, shout out to Mo’Nique cause she did the Damn thing.

Ok now ima get funny.

My mama, God bless her soul, she’s doing intermittent fasting, so she doesn’t eat passed a certain time. I asked her to stop me at wawa before the funeral so i could get something to eat. She asked me to get her a pretzel so, and I quote “I have something to put on my stomach so I don’t get light headed at the funeral”. We go outside to take pictures, and we head to the elevator of the church to go up to the repast AANNNNDDD, my mother gets light headed. She’s sitting in a chair passing out, I got a relative on each side that we never met before fanning her off n shit. One relative is like “Baby is she a diabetic? She must not know she diabetic she passing out like this Po thang shoulda ate something”. So my mom and my aunt telling me to bring her back to the hotel to rest. On the FOURTY MINUTE RIDE back to the hotel my mama asking me if she ruined it for me. I’m just like.. “I mean, I was excited to meet relatives I’ve never met before. I understand you passed out because you haven’t eaten in awhile but that’s why I got you that pretzel you haven’t touched since you been at the church. And the remedy for your light headedness was literally an elevator ride upstairs cause they got hella food cause it’s a black repast but yea we can go back to the hotel”.

So at the viewing Mo’Nique told me there was gonna be a gathering after the funeral to really send my brother off right. We had a turn up for him. It was at a community center so we couldn’t have alcohol out in the open but we was all,going to our cars with our to go cups, pouring up. Sharing stories about my brother. It was love.

Ima say this…. You ain’t SEEN a turn up until you played DJ Khaled and Trick Daddy around some Florida niggas… IT’S LIVE!!!

When everything was all said and done, I linked with folks I just met, I hugged and loved on folks. It was amazing. It was love. It was what Quincy Jr would have wanted. Like I said, I look just like that dude. People still have a piece of Quincy Jr in their life,cause they met me. And I have the same cause i met them. I lost my last brother. But my family grew 10 times bigger.

I love you bro. And you don’t have to worry cause you got people holding it down for you. I’m one of em. Rest easy.

Hitman TyTy

Ya’ll know I love my urban legends. When I go outta town I love to try to blend in at local hangouts and see if my ear catches a good story that I can pass on to the world. I was in Far Rockaway Queens and heard a gem I had to share.

This is the story of Hitman TyTy.

For the first 7 years of his life TyTy had a pretty typical upbringing. He was raised by a single mother but she made sure he ain’t go without. She played sports with him, kept his head in the books, danced with him, everything she could do to make sure he was a well rounded kid. Once TyTy turned 8 he got hit with two shockers:

1. He was about to become a big brother

2. He found out he was growing at a faster rate than his peers.

TyTy was so excited to become a big brother that once his little brother Q was born he vowed to protect him at all costs.

TyTy was so protective of Q, that if Q got in trouble they mother would tell TyTy “Sheeiitt you better talk to him before EYE have to”.

When Q began going to school, he had some bullies who picked on him for being too clean cut. You know bullies are so pitiful they just find a reason to pick on you even if it’s because your pants are always creased and you keep a collared shirt.

Once Q told TyTy, he would roll up on em and check em. But 13 year old TyTy wasn’t the type to just beat up a 5 year old for picking on his brother. He believed in equal street justice. He would tell em “YO, go get your older brother, cousin, young Uncle, or WHOEVER, to come get this asswhoopin you signed up for…. You got 30 mins.” And TyTy would straight up play action figures, Pokemon cards or whatever with Q until the bully showed up with an opponent.

At 13 TyTy stood about 6ft even, 180 all muscle. MF was built like 2Pac’s Hologram. So he obviously had no problem dusting off his opponent.

Knowing that TyTy was completely capable of distributing a fade to people’s big brothers, cousins, or Uncle’s, Q started just picking fights with random children around Far Rockaway cause he KNEW his action figure built brother TyTy would handle it with ease.

After a good 15-0 record, the only children or big brothers of Far Rockaway would approach Q inquiring about his brothers services. Q started charging em $10 a profit and made BANK!

While TyTy was busy knocking mfs out he felt this void in his life. He would be mentally empty during his fights. Could you imagine getting the Sonic rings knocked outta yo ass by a nigga with a straight face? That does damage to your self esteem. He is unfazed by whoopin yo ass. All these fades he distributed earned him the name “Hitman TyTy”.

The void missing from Hitman TyTy’s life was something he picked up from his mother,before Q came along…. TyTy wanted to dance.

TyTy was an EXCELLENT dancer. And he became emotionally numb because nobody ever asked “Aye TyTy, bust a move for me real quick.” They always said “TyTy I got another mf you need to dust off.” He felt like people just hooked him up to a console and said “Down down forward forward punch.” He needed someone to care.

One day after easily knocking an opponent out for his brother, TyTy had extra energy built up that he needed to let out. So he went to the alley and started doing his favorite dance routine, “If it isn’t love” by New Edition. While he was busting the illest moves that Far Rockaway had NEVER seen, a dude named Eddie Moore happened to walk by and see these moves. Mr. Moore told 17 year old TyTy, “when you’re looking at colleges your senior year, keep Virginia State University in mind, we could use someone like you to liven the events.”

TyTy initially ignored Mr. Moore. Instead, he decided to get into some underground dance battles while he wasn’t knocking MFs nuts in the sand. See, the problem was, out in the open, TyTy had all the dance moves for any MF who wanted smoke. But most of these dance battles were held in small basements and TyTy’s 6’4 235lb frame would just knock shit over and scrape his knuckles when he did hard turns and shit. He couldn’t live up to his full potential in these basements.

At one battle TyTy was participating in, TyTy was completely murdering his opponent. But, he hit a 720 degree spin and wound up slapping the shit outta 6 people in,the audience. One member of the audience included Mr. Moore. Fortunately for TyTy, Mr. Moore was more impressed than bruised and explained to TyTy that if he brought his talents to VSU, not only would he have all the open space on the yard to hit any degree spin he wished, he would also have choreographical immunity on anyone he accidentally slapped. This was very tempting but TyTy didn’t wanna leave his mom and Q and go all the way to Petersburg VA.

One night TyTy’s mama was peeking in his room while he was saying his prayers before he went to sleep. TyTy said “Dear Lord, please bless my little brother Q and his friends, and please, please, please, let their opponents ask for a dance battle instead so I can show off my new moves instead of knocking them suckas out. Amen son.” TyTy’s mother heard this and was instantly moved to tears. Her son put protecting his brother and his friends over his own dreams. She had to protect her oldest boys dreams and told him that, his brother would always be protected by his prayers, but now it’s time for TyTy to live out his dreams. Q was now big enough to carry the fade load from TyTy.

TyTy, listened. And reluctantly he moved to Petersburg. Initially, he was afraid to break his NY moves off to the city of Petersburg, but after awhile he had created quite the name for himself on the dancing scene. Hitman TyTy had now become “TippyToe Ty.”. And any event that went down on VSU’s campus, please believe TippyToe Ty was in the building shutting it down with his moves.

It’s been a few years since the days of Hitman TyTy, but I hear that TippyToe Ty now works at a school counseling the underprivileged youth to not bully their peers. But he always still finds a way to stop the current bullies in their tracks while showing a group of them what HE used to do bullies and their older brothers, cousins and, Uncles, back in the day. His teaching methods have reportedly, lowered the bullying rate…. All while he busts the ILLEST move…. I don’t know TippyToe Ty, but I wouldn’t try to serve him in a dance battle either.

Tedronicus Bela5000 Pt. 2

“Master Bela5000”, said Facebookie.  “If I had to judge your performance on the message you sent Princess Taroro I would give you 10 out of 10 stars, stand up job.”

“Ok Niglax”, said Bela5000. “Stop acting like a Grammoid and give me your opinion just give it to me straight.”

“Well excuse the Shatner out of me, I was going to say that you laid your game quite flat. And even though now I wish otherwise because you decided to be a jerk, she responded quite gracefully to your shot. She has sent her communication number and has requested a time and place for you two to meet up in the near future.”

Tedronicus was hype, but played it cool for his droids. He jump started the communication with Taroro, and found out that they actually shared a lot in common. Eventually, Tedronicus and Taroro decided to meet up in a neutral planet Downtown that was conveniently placed between the Educational Galaxy and the Hoodustrious Galaxy. The meet up went smooth, spent over Margaritians and Tacos.

After a few Margaritians, Tedronicus became bold enough to ask if more meet ups lied ahead in their future. Taroro replied with a subtle, “Oh yea.”. Tedronicus, being the overthinker that he is, decided not to pursue this venture because he was simply, unsure. And, coming from a Scorpion background, Tedronicus required assurance.

Low and behold, Taroro contacted him for another venture. She told him to pick the place. Not being familiar with many hangout spots in the area he suggested a local bar that he frequents on the PregoTrim Nebula called “The Wild Zinnia Cafe”. Tedronicus goes to this bar, but he makes sure to keep a low profile. See, the problem with Wild Zinnia is that many of the regulars there are from the Red Hatted MAGAnite species. The problem with MAGAnites is that they have this strange allergic reaction to a pheromone that secretes from melanin. Scientifically, it can’t be explained, but it has something to do with a command from the MAGAnite leader.

The regular MAGAnites at Wild Zinnia have forcefully tolerated the melanin secretions of Tedronicus, but he was fearful of how they would react to the new, unfamiliar secretions of Princess Taroro’s melanin. To Tedronicus’ surprise, The MAGAnites tolerated  Taroro’s melanin as well! What Tedronicus later found out was that Princess Taroro, much like him, had the ability to adapt to different situations, unlike some people that he had visited the Wild Zinnia with, whom, with a certain triggering look from MAGAnites would threaten to “Air this bitchnoid out”.  Taroro being adaptable, meant that she could make friends in ANY situation, and she did no different with the Red Hatted MAGAnites.

Tedronicus was smitten with how well Princess Taroro stole the hearts of those MAGAnites. They sung Karaoke and received standing ovations. They took the dance floor over, they shut the bitchnoid DOWN! Tedronicus and Princess Taroro started hanging out more frequently and he was just completely enamored at how thorough her adaptability was. It completely surpassed his.

Soon, the Valentine’s Moon was set to orbit the Planet of Boygetout and Tedronicus wanted Taroro to celebrate it with him. She was with it because their previous interactions had been so great. Tedronicus wanted to do something out of the ordinary to celebrate so he suggested going to The Southside of the Galaxy to visit the hypest strip club in the area, “The Milky Way”. They drank on the sweet nectar of Heinekrizz and made a Geomagnetic Storm with all the dollar bills they threw up in the sky. I mean, between the storm and how they made the turn up coagulate, they was the life of the party. Which is hard to do in a strip club, let alone The Milky Way. Between the Southside Socialites and The Deathstick dealers, they had big shoes to fill but they filled them bitchnoids.

Shit was lit…..

 

Tedronicus Bela5000

In a galaxy waaaaaayyyyy the f*ck outchea on the planet Boygetout, lived a young man named Tedronicus Bela5000. Tedronicus was a simple terrestrial who spent most of his time teaching misfit youths how to perform in the regular society at a School called The Boygetout Institute & Training Center for Hopefuls. B.I.T.C.H as the locals refer to it. When Tedronicus wasn’t teaching, he was spending time with his son, JoJovian. Tedronicus was initially complacent with his simple life on Boygetout, but he realized there was a void in his life that had yet to be filled. Tedronicus wanted a mate. His first attempts at finding a mate were made at Boygetout’s local watering holes. Tedronicus knew that these locations had little to no potential mates (because they were located on the PregoTrim Nebula) but he was still able to brush up on the game that he once had during his single phase. The PregoTrim Nebula was a dark, dark place. Once a small yet beautiful region known for inhabitants who had a vast amount of potential, the people of the PregoTrim Nebula had one weakness, the men and women were extremely fertile. Fertile, and eager to pollinate. Tedronicus had went away to college and during those 4 years, most of PregoTrim’s citizens had spread younglings far across the Nebula and their were little to no people who have remained vacant. Finding it difficult to join the ranks, Tedronicus found it hard to fight the toxins that the foliage of PregoTrim excreted, also fell victim to the youngling outbreak, which brought him his blessing of JoJovian. Tedronicus hadn’t given up hope to find a mate. Tedronicus knew he could not find a mate on his own so he enlisted the help of two droids he picked up on the a local junker planet. These droids were, Tindertron and Bumblebot. Embedded in the databases of these two droids were profiles of the single women in the PregoTrim Nebula. Having no luck initially, Tedronicus began matching with some of these inabitants and had started going on dates. Little did Tedronicus know that these matches would take him lightyears away from his comfort zone. His very first date was with a young lady named Yolandobatios from the dangerous planet of CreightonCourtreo. Tedronicus was pretty familiar with the PregoTrim Nebula but was unfamiliar with certain parts outside of Boygetout. Being a gentleman, he insisted on providing transportation for this date. The date itself went well, as he had picked up Yolandobatios while the sun was out. But he apparently dropped her off while the wrong moon was in the sky because he encountered something he was never prepared for. He pulled up to her house in CreightonCourteo and there was hundreds of inhabitants scattered across the planet that he had not seen when he picked up Yolandobatios. While they were in their car conversing, a gentleman formally known by the planet as, Blackticon had joined the hoard outside. One of Blackticon’s comrades obnoxiously yelled “Blackticon! Is that not the women you bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car?!”. “Niglax, that is in fact, Yolandobatios, the woman that I bore three children with talking to that Niglax in the car”, responded Blackticon. “That Niglax must not know about me and what I do in CreightonCourteo, but I’ll provide an example for him!”. After Tedronicus bid Yolandobatios farewell, he quickly ejected her from his vehicle, but not before receiving a few holes in his back passenger door from Blackticon’s Neuron Blaster. Needless to say, you couldn’t pay Tedronicus to return to CreightonCourteo.

Tedronicus hadn’t fully given up on The PregoTrim Nebula, hoping that he would find a diamond in the rough. One day, while using his Tindertron droid, Tedronicus struck GOLD. He matched with ROYALTY!!! A young lady named Princess Taroro, originally from The Broadrocktion Planet. Tedronicus didn’t treat this match lightly as he was immediately enamored by her beauty and IMMEDIATELY shot his shot at her. To his surprise, his shot landed! Princess Taroro was actually interested in Tedronicus. The two had a great back and forth conversation until…… Taroro ghosted him… I mean straight left Tedronicus in the dust. Planet L Occupation: This Niglax.  However, Tedronicus, being born under the Scorpion Moon(Shut your mouth) had the ability to take dating L’s in stride. He went back to his droids, Tindertron and Bumblebot and went back to swiping left and right on them hoesars.

Fortunately, Tedronicus found some inhabitants of The PregoTrim Nebula who could at least help him have fun during the summer. Once Summer was over, Tedronicus was lonely again. One day, his most faithful and loyal droid, Facebookie, whom he carried with him whoever he went because his database held every encounted that Tedronicus went on since 2007 and had Terabytes of information that even Tedronicus wasn’t aware, was there to assist him. MasterBela5000, I think you might want to take a gander at my “People you may know” feature because it might have something you’d be interested in. The usual people he may know consisted of inhabitants with bad PH balances and horrid morals that even he was unable to cosign, but he checked anyway. To his surprise, Princess Taroro was amongst the people that he may have known. Tedronicus toyed back and forth of adding Princess Taroro to Facebookie but he eventually told the droid to send her a request and see what it do. To his surprise, the Princess accepted! Not wanting to seem eager, Tedronicus waited to see if any of his witty status updates and incredibly humorous posts would intrigue the Princess. Once a few of them did, he decided to re-rack and attempt to shoot another shot at Taroro via Facebookie. A few days later, Facebookie says, “Master 5000, you have a new message.”. Visibly annoyed by the relayed information by Facebookie that he repeatedly receives daily, Tedronicus replies “Ok Nigloid, AND?! It’s probably another chain letter from my old ass brother Quincycon Junior!”. “Quite the contrary Master Bela5000, it’s from Princess Taroro regarding your shot.”. Tedronicus, reluctant to catch another L, commands Facebookie to open the letter…. Princess Taroro said…..

To Be Continued…..